palmolive_je

Cursing, graphic depictions of m/m relationships. Also: I don't speak Japanese. Also: Ninomiya Kazunari feeds on your hatred and it just makes him stronger.
NOTES: Written for font , who taught me everything I know, though definitely not everything she knows, about JE. This is my thank-you gift to her for that, except that I think I made her work harder on it than I did. Shout-out to the maker of this ridiculously awesome Ohmiya fanvid. When I got really tired of working on this story, this reminded me why writing 11,000 words to make an unimpeachable case for the real-world existence of Ohmiya is important, y'all.

Ohno is Nino's boyfriend; that is part of the job. They have developed an elaborate concert skit around the topic, which they perform in feathery headdresses and shiny basketball-style uniforms, and Nino rubs Ohno's ass and they chase each other around the stage. On special occasions, like Nino's birthday, they kiss. Nino's costume in particular inspires feverish discussion about his endowments on the message boards. He reads them, frequently aloud. "They think I have a big dick!" he will crow, and then someone, usually sensible Sho, will suggest that maybe he just finds being Leader's stage boyfriend, you know, stimulating. And then someone, absolutely always Aiba, will shout, "He means, it gets you hard!" and they will all laugh, because it doesn't mean anything. And it doesn't.

That's because it really is part of the job of being an idol. There was a special mandatory seminar in the jimusho, taught by Johnny himself, on how to create the impression that you are mostly into dudes. (Though you might be willing to make an exception for some very, very special girl.) Johnny had charts and graphs that demonstrated how a flirtation with a bandmate not only moved units, it won you, individually or with your special someone, more pin-ups in Popolo and Wink Up than your more assertively heterosexual colleagues. "The girls who buy those magazines are fantasizing about the guys they see onstage with you," he told them, "you honor their strong feelings when you do the same." He reviewed the types of coy remarks an idol might make to interviewers about another Johnny's good looks or admirable work ethic or beautiful voice. He advised them all to pick a single object for their affections and stick with it. "It's like the buddy system. And, anyway, no one likes a slut." In Nino's final lesson, Johnny had even called in the Kinki Kids to demonstrate how to kiss onstage without making actual lip-to-lip contact.

All five members of Arashi took the class, and all five can smolder alarmingly in the direction of any of the others, depending on the photographer's personal vision. But Nino is most comfortable smoldering at Ohno.

He likes him. Ohno can spend long hours on the bus staring into space while Nino thumbs away at his DS and doesn't expect him to make conversation. Ohno never minds picking up the tab. Ohno will always trade girls with him mid-evening if they discover that Ohno's is trampier, because of course Ohno has no problem charming the panties off even the shyest and most trembly virgins. Nino spends more time with Ohno than he does with even his manager, and he supposes this makes them best friends. But the boyfriend thing, that is definitely for the fans. Nino and Ohno are as heterosexual as it comes in Japan. They are pretty much drowning in pussy, 24/7.

Nino is no stranger to queers. No, let him rephrase that. In the most fundamental sense of the phrase, Nino is absolutely, 100-percent a stranger to queers. But you can't be an idol and not be intimately—but no, not intimately—the thing is, you meet a lot of fucking queers, as an idol. Non-threatening, girlish boys are what teenaged girls like, and Johnny's by default ends up with a fair few recruits who are genuinely non-threatening. If you know what Nino means. And then of course there have always been rumors about Johnny himself and this or that untalented and yet mysteriously promoted back dancer, and if Nino was always too awkward-looking and childish to catch the eye of top management, there are at least a couple of his bandmates who get blushy and weird whenever anyone suggests that, for instance, Hey Say Jump! got debuted early because someone's parents were about to sue.

That said. Nino can tell that Jun is definitely not gay, despite what people may have heard. He is giggly and shy around girls, but mostly he is particular about what he eats and which fabrics touch his body in a way that seems gay at first glance but which is actually idol professionalism of the highest order. They are all fussy about their hair and their clothes and their body mass index because these are the tools on which their livelihoods depend. But anyway. Nino can tell that Ohkura very definitely is, because he walked in on him getting blown by a muscular camera tech at last year's Countdown. Ditto Tackey, of course. And both Kinki Kids. The point is, Nino is pretty sure he can separate the lambs from the goats and the Dutch from the English, and so, yes, it does actually come as a big, big surprise to him one lunchtime when he throws open the door to Ohno's Maou dressing room to find Leader backed up against the dressing table with Ikuta Toma standing thigh to thigh in front of him, trailing a finger slowly along Ohno's glossy bottom lip.

Nino imagines that he himself would have acted startled, under the circumstance. But Toma doesn't even look up when Nino's "Hey, leading man, you're paying me back for this lunch" suddenly catches up to the sensation of his stomach dropping down to his knees. Toma just taps Ohno's lip lightly and reaches around him to pick up a tissue box. "There, now you don't look so much like you've been drooling," he says, and only then does he look over his shoulder. "Ninomiya!" he says warmly. And Ohno, who could not look like he gave a shit if you walked in on him going down on the makeup assistant—and Nino has—suddenly blushes. Blushes! Toma lounges against the table beside Ohno, and his mouth quirks, and all Nino can think is, "Fuck, since when is Toma a queer?" And then: "Of course, he has been pretty successful for a junior who never even got debuted." And then: Ohno is still blushing, which has to confirm it. Toma is gay, like I-believe-in-fairies gay. He's Kamenashi gay.

Poor Ohno! Here, he has worked side by side with the guy for three episodes now and has been too inside-his-own-head the whole time to even notice until it gets him in trouble. Never mind, Nino thinks, he will take care of this. Though Johnny never personally addressed it, Nagase was clear: it is an idol’s sacred duty to protect his bandmates from perverts. "Come on, Ohno," Nino says, tugging his arm, "we have to go now. You only have 20 minutes until your next call."

Ohno blinks. "Oh, do you think Toma…"

"Nope, nope, no. Only enough for two, sorry!" He holds up the bento he picked up at the little cart outside of the Shibuya train station. And because this is so obviously an emergency situation, he adds, "Hey, you only owe me seven—eight—fifty for your half, okay? Let's go." And he pulls them out into the hallway. "Dibs on the shrimp."

They end up eating in the interrogation room set. The first scene after lunch takes place in Ohno's law office, at the other end of the sound stage, so it's quiet here and dark without klieg lights blaring through the windows. Ohno arranges all the shrimp in a neat pile and pushes it over to Nino, then starts happily munching on pickles. "I got a text from Aiba about indigo dye," he starts to say as he selects his next piece.

And Nino says, "I can't wait to tell Jun he's gay. He's going to shit himself."

Ohno picks up a rice ball and bites into it. "Wait. Who’s gay? Jun's gay? I thought…"

"No, who’s gay is your buddy Toma is gay. I sure didn't see that one coming."

Ohno considers the matter. "Hm. No, I don't think he is." Ohno takes another bite of his onigiri, then returns to his original topic. "Apparently, the blue comes from a bacterial reaction…"

"Well, I guess that explains why you didn’t notice he was totally about to make out with you just now when I walked in your dressing room."Nino knows that he probably sounds a little jealous, but honestly, Ohno is just oblivious enough that someone could tell him that they were blowing him as part of a science experiment and he'd believe it. And this is Ohno's first extended time away from the other members of Arashi. Is it really a surprise to learn he's been getting into trouble on his own? So Nino has to take care of it. That is not jealousy; it is member-ai.

Ohno has put down his rice ball and is staring at Nino with a peculiar intensity. He looks, frankly, wounded. "Oh, hey, I mean, I know you would never," Nino says. Ohno's eyebrows lift. "I just don't want Toma to get the wrong idea. He's had to deal with a lot of disappointment in his career." Nino adds magnanimously, "He's really a good guy."

"You're looking out for him, then."

"I'm looking out for you." He reaches across the table with his chopsticks and picks up a piece of Ohno's eel. "You just get yourself into these ridiculous situations because you won’t ever tell anyone no." Seriously, Ohno should be grateful to him.

Ohno reaches across the table and touches Nino’s hand. "Do you know what it feels like…have you ever disliked someone so much that it kinds of turns you on?"

"Are we still talking about Toma?" he squeaks.

"Sort of.” Ohno takes another bite of his rice and pauses to chew; Nino gestures impatiently at him to get on with the story. “I had this idea about Serizawa and Naruse. There's real passion there, isn't there?" Nino is aware that his mouth is hanging open, a little. "The way Naruse looks at him. It’s a glare, but. It’s also a caress." He smiles to himself, pleased. "Or it just looks fake. ‘Boo hoo, you killed my brother, prepare to die.’" He takes another pickle. "Toma agrees."

"Oh, I bet he does," says Nino, and he reaches across the table and grabs the rest of Ohno’s rice ball and shoves it into his own mouth, even though he ends up choking and Ohno has to rush out to the craft services table for an extra bottle of water.

Nino is tempted to stay on the set for the rest of the afternoon to monitor the situation, even after he gets a text from his manager reminding him that he has a shoot at 3:30 and where is he, anyway? Nino puts his phone into silent mode and hovers behind the director while the crew films a medium-distance scene of Ohno sitting smugly in Serizawa’s father's office, then a close-up of the same scene from Ohno's perspective, then a close-up of the same scene from Serizawa Senior's, then an overhead. When Nino ducks over to say goodbye, Ohno has napkins tucked into his shirt collar to keep his makeup from staining his slim black suit. "I've got An-An today. Try not to get ass-raped, okay?" The makeup girl puts her hand over her mouth as she giggles, then leans forward to fluff Ohno's hair in such a way as to drive Ohno's long nose directly into her cleavage. When he emerges again, Nino is still standing there, scowling. “If you can possibly help it.”

Between the TV appearance and preparation for his trip to Hokkaido and his understandably strong desire to make it past level six in Shadow Quest 4, Nino limits his further protection of Ohno's virtue to the occasional text. "Don't wear those gray pants in front of Ikuta, they show off your ass and he will likely become enflamed," he messages Ohno on Wednesday as he is waiting for the driver to show up. He is in the makeup chair at a photoshoot later that day when he adds, "Anyone with a nose that big cannot be a good kisser, it is anatomically impossible."

Ohno doesn't respond, which Nino doesn't think to worry about until the next day. He is sitting in the hallway outside Johnny's office on Thursday waiting for his manager to pick up his wardrobe and drive him to Akihabara for a photoshoot and thumbing out a conciliatory "In his defense, at least Toma isn't as big a twink as Tegoshi" when he sees Ohno himself in the midst of a pack of lawyers and bodyguards that goes straight into Johnny's inner sanctum without pausing. The door shuts behind them. Nino has to leave before he finds out what is going on. And then a few days after that, he emerges from his apartment to find Ohno's wild, intoxicated eyes staring out at him from every newsstand he passes, as the papers blare the news that Arashi's Ohno was photographed in a Drug-Fueled Sex Threesome.

He buys a copy, of course. There will be a band meeting soon enough where Johnny and the lawyers will drill them on the facts of the case as they would like them to be presented, if Arashi is forced to say anything at all on the topic beyond This is not true, and we are sorry for making you worry about us. This time, Nino wants his information undiluted.

As scandals go, it is a good one, better than Sho’s sex friend, which even the newspapers acknowledged he didn’t have, or the shirtless camera snaps of Aiba and his girl or Nino having the temerity to have a girlfriend and then the additional temerity not to break up with her the first time that word leaked out. Ohno’s girls are definitely hot. And Ohno's lips and hands are positioned close enough to their thighs and breasts that it is simply not plausible that they belted out a few songs at karaoke, had a few beers, and then said good night with a chaste bow at the curb.

Nino cannot help himself: he sends a text to Toma telling him there is something in the current Shuukan Gendai that will interest him and to pick up a copy without delay. Then he texts Ohno. "Call me. No matter how late. I'm headed to Sapporo but please call." And then a second: "You are still and always Leader."

But he doesn't call. Nino supposes that things are more than a little hectic around the Ohno household right now and graciously decides not to take offense. It takes another three days before they meet up again. After his flight gets in at Narita, the car carries him straight to the jimusho for a strategy session with Johnny's publicists. When he arrives, he finds the rest of Arashi sequestered in a brightly lit conference room. Sho is taking furious notes, Jun is glumly peering into a latte from a nearby coffee stand. Aiba looks as if he is wringing his hands underneath the table. Nino tosses his messenger bag into one of the empty chairs and turns to see Ohno, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, his arms hanging limp between his open legs, like a rag doll. There are bruise-colored shadows under his eyes, and his hair looks like it hasn't been washed in several days. Ohno looks up at him. "So, Kazu," he says, "is this better or worse than being a fag?" When he smiles, it is bitter.